i wanna be skinny!

" im not insecure! " - i quote myself.

*she gave me the middle finger.

" im not. im not insecure! " - again, i quote myself.

*she shoved two middle fingers up my face.

phoaaaaaaarrrrr.....

bitch! hah. i didnt need the affirmation, but she did say it in a way only the two of us understood.

" i wanna be skinny ". no. " i want to be skinny ". a quote i first puttered with, then it leeched on and became the atrocious whisperer in my already rugged mind.

my insecurity? doh! one of them.

i get my narcissism leveled up now and then with remarks like,

" you're already skinny! "
" which gym do you go to? "
" why are you thin? "
" you are skinny!".

but im not yet skinny. i dont do gym, just a "special" routine. 'why' is a question my mind cant generate an answer to. skinny? me? my inner will is powerless to proclaim such absolute. nonetheless, to have such remarks said, its impossible to not have your ego bursting in anthems. who in a sane mind wouldn't like being said nice things to?

just when you're comfortably high on narcissism boost, reality bites you hard with comebacks like,

" you have a big appetite!? "
" you've been eating alot today! "

damn. i proclaim it even harder, " I WANNA BE SKINNY!!! ". hell of a conviction i have to endure. wait. do i 'have' to? i havent got great patience to own such endurance.

but really, who must i listen to?

friends who keeps convincing me with sweet melodic words, but blurts piercing tajam! tajam! utterance in a moment's spur?

or

the ever intimidating weight scales with guaranteed preciseness, but parades inconsistent figures everytime i go on various scales?
(i still like what ing hui's scale tells me! hah.)

or

the constant debate between the illusive angelic being and the deceptive demonic presence, who then concludes promising echoes to linger in my head, everytime i look at my mirror reflections or photo images of myself?

i curse with indecisiveness. fuck.

wait.

am i that insecure?

hah. no. just hiatuses of thought. i love me.

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i still wanna be skinny! i secretly, quietly, inse*&%c&#3u*&r%@e2ly do. hush. heh. pfffts!