Fool!

"people like to watch other people"

max-ed alcohol. stoom overdosed. bored sober.

all the reasons to let loose, make fool of oneself.

one cant make fool not unless one's already a fool. myself.

clip : gone case josh with shafshaf as vocal

a fool first intrigue oneself, captivate others second.

life's too sarcastic to be taken seriously.

-

something random : 3 stooms!

dance = sex?

the videos are horizontal and yes, they're supposed to be vertical, i aint no dumb-dumb, okay? i KNOW! instead of saying, "oh im lazy to edit them to the right position", i'll just say, "OKAY! im a little bit video editing challenged!". happy?! Pfffts.

anyway,

some say, you can tell what/how a guy is like having sex by the way he strut his moves on the dancefloor.

if that is so, imagine how most (OZ angmoh) men are in bed (or wherever you're doing it) if they dance like this,




no? not a pretty little sight? too little action on the lower body? too much boxing action?

imagine how most asian (ahbeng) men are like when they dance like this,




no? certainly not the way you imagine the sex is going to be. rough, and fast, but too much action on just the head shaking? too little elsewhere important?

imagine how some of the male species who can do a little something like this (or maybe better),

yes? a gigantic sign with bright lights bordering it says this dude dances well, he must be really good in bed (or wherever you're doing it). imagine scissor action. imagine doggy action. imagine alot of things.

imagine, but think again. the reason he dances well may be because ... hmmmm ... i dont know ... he's sleeping with another man!?!

HAH!

-

something i said : " you're only ugly if you're not better looking than anybody! "

cibai motherfucker!

disclaimer : i realized by writing this post, i make myself even more so vulnerable to people's thoughts of my "sexuality". long has it been a topic that heats up any conversations behind my back, but frankly saying - i have not given a single shit loads of care.

i think im out of my mind.

let's just say I'M homosexual. gay. fag. queer. cibai motherfucker.

[i refuse the usual "i have a friend ..." because we all fuckin know that "friend" is none other than the one saying it.]

so, I'M gay. let's just say i am.

what is it to you?

the only thing that separates me from the heterosexual male is this - my sexual preference towards men, men who have the same tendency.

the only thing that separates me from most of YOU is this - YOU cannot accept the simple fact of life.

just because i dont fuck chicks. just because i fuck "dudes". sex is sex. sex is no longer the sacred act of reproduction. seriously, the biggest worry on any dudes' head is to get the lady pregnant when it comes to most sex. so, i choose to have sex with other gay men, pregnant ladies out of the list, but heck, in with the HIV.

okay. im out of my mind.

so, I'M gay. right.

i think straight men should thank God for gay men. if we're all straight, i pity the ugly boys who wont stand a chance of hitting it on with chicks. you lucky those pretty boys like it up the bottom. and the fact of the matter is, even if we play straight, chances are we still get `em chicks! HAH!

so, im still gay, right. let's just say i am.

its not because we're so much intune with our feminine side, its simply because we LISTEN and we take TIME to understand them chicks, while most men just wanna get straight down to business. everything is straight for straight men. metrosexual or ubersexual, those are the ones intune with their feminine side. HAH!

so anyway, lets stop this gay shit.

too much saying, but i think it all comes down to this - i am in my right to be one. you are in your right not to accept one.

that said - the world does not only revolves around you!

-

something random : i changed my mind. i think brunettes are hot!

to love, impossible!

the religion of self : trust is the foundation of love.
the contradiction of self : persisting this love although in great doubts.
note to self : love is fucked up!

" this thing they call love is just one fucked up whirlwind of fucked up emotions! "

> (Josh, 2006)

no, i didnt get fucked and got left out in the cold, according to taugey's belief. i am not bitter with anger, rather very much delusional with confusion. contrary to taugey's belief, im just frustrated with the whole figuring out what the fuck the other person is thinking about.

i was not born with the ability to read minds. so what the fuck?!

i was not born with the knowledge to comprehend all body languages. so what the fuck?!

i was not born with the wisdom to completely understand people, particularly this person i whole heartedly adore! (now say it with me), SO WHAT THE FUCK?!

i dont normally go gaga easily over someone. im rock solid on that. although, i did say -

" no matter how solid the ground i stand, i can still fall at the wake of an earthquake! "

> (Josh, 2006)

the question still remains : do i go through this, may it be the most of pain, knowing deep down its worth it, regardless the outcome?

i once answered yes. last night it became a no. now, it remains again a question.

-

something random : with the exception of friday as part of the weekend, it (the weekend) has been a pretty sober one! (something someone who knows me will understand!)

something more random : i took a dump (shit) while munching on a mcdonald's sausage egg mcmuffin once. just so you know, it was not deliberate, i was pissed (drunk) but unfortunately, it still lingers freshly in my memory!

addict

" i said i'm an addict. i didn't say i had a problem. i pay my bills ... i function. "

(House, 2006)

i could not have thought of a better way to say it.

some people "worry" about my choice of lifestyle. they think i'm "overdoing" my nocturnal evil deeds. they think my bond with narcotics is "killing" me.

i'm still alive am i? i still make time for everyone haven't i? i still friggin FUNCTION!

back at `cha!

yellow

DISCLAIMER : i am colour blind. this post is meant for person(s) who makes colour a reason to differentiate human from another.

" there's a reason why they have one child per family policy in asia, because they're too many of them .. " [ some ang-moh, 2006 ]

right. i cannot agree more. yellow. brown. billions of us!

" .. sweat shops .. " [ same ang-moh, 2006 ]

right.

apparently, we (asians) make too many babies till we cant support such a big family that we have to send the kids out in the big cruel world earning money.

get your facts right BUDDY!

do this math. say they're 400 million pregnant "asian" women this year, how many babies will be produce? 400 friggin million. say these batch of asian women are to produce only 1 baby in their life time, it still wont change the fact tht they ARE gonna be alot of us.

i just dont get why "asians" are so much of a problem. apparently, we own the smallest penis among the male species, we have the least of physical sex, and we're still your biggest worry?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

sweat shops. right. we're POOR! yes, we have an over-population crisis and we DO NOT have enough resources to support ourselves. which would you rather happen? have the kids to work and support their family (and themselves) or the parents to kill their kids because there just TOO MANY of them. ah yes, just stop making babies? cant help ourselves because we're too fertile! these families have NO CHOICE! if they did, their kids WILL be in school and have better jobs.

what do you do to help anyway?

oh, asians are invading "your" country. taking away your jobs. most asians do jobs that YOU JUST WONT FUCKING DO! we do your shits, be grateful.

right.

i wouldnt mind such comment from an activist, but an arse pissed on his rusty nails?!?!

pffffffts!

gay

"get pissed, pick chicks up and dissapoint them after!"

mission wednesday.

i got pissed. 8 jaggies [Ye`Gheez] actually broke our last week's record by 1! 2 Gin Tonics. countless smirnoff twists.

right.

picked chicks up? didn't EXACTLY picked any up, they came to me. HAH. me and my dancing skill, and my sweet talks, though honest with a slight twist of corniness. HAH.

right.

didn't dissapoint all of them.

brunette 1 : she got turned off because she thought the chick a mate introduced to me was my girlfriend. HAH. dissapointed chick number 1.

hollie : she got turned off when i whispered to her that i was gay while we were dirty dancing one another. HAH. dissapointed chick number 2.

gingerhead : she stepped into my zone, rubbed her thigh between my legs, twirled around me, her fingers always pointing at me, her eyes gazed with such intense, her tongue worked to wet her lips ... i didn't even get a chance to SAY anything cause she was always dancing, and twirling .. and jumping .. and spinning .. I GOT DISSAPOINTED FOR NOT DISSAPOINTING HER! dissapointed josh number 1.

2 : 1. i win! mission completed.

i should stop playing "oh, he's gay!", cause i realized i DONT have gaydar. for those who are illiterate on homosexual 101, gaydar stands for gay-radar. HAH! instead, i should start playing "oh, he's straight!" at gay clubs! HAH!

right.

shit!

men cant shit and masturbate at the same time. or can they? can women? i wouldnt know cause i am not one! but MEN CANT shit and masturbate simultaneously. i wouldnt have said it if i havent done it!?!

hah.

i was sitting on the toilet one day, flipping through a print porn sitting on my left thigh with my rightie intensely riding my pole and then the sudden need to poo-poo rushed over. i was near masturbation euphoria but the bliss of "letting go" messed my priorities. so i shitted and killed the boner!

hah.

but IF you ever do it, and succeed, please enlighten me.

a weeks worth

im ass broke. 5 out of the 7 days of sprinkling periwinkle twinkle tinkle little magical dusts, im broke. 3 nights out of the 7 i was out doing some "hardcore" partying with the excuse of making up long lost partying times in adelaide. pffffts! im broke.

mom's probably taking her time to bank in the money, laughing her ass off thinking - "let him suffer a lil bit, see how hard it is to earn money ..."

yes mom, its HARD to earn money, so, yeah, hurry!! bank em!

pfffts.

find a job. yeah, pfffts!

so okay, im a lazy ass bastard! you still like me dont you? hah.

a couple from melbourne asked for my number last friday night to go dance with them sometimes, just because i can shuffle. had a little shuffle session with them at Tonic. hah. cool, but no phone call yet.

some chick, asked if she could dance with me wednesday nitght, but "someone" came around me and took her attention away! caucibai Mark! hah. just because she mistook you for Dino! pffffts.

STARBUCKS just opened on rundle mall today! woohoo! havent had the time to check it out. wait, i did have the time, but mark wasn't to keen on over-priced all-american franchise. i just wanted to check if they make green tea frappe! pffffts! i'll sneak in tomorrow.

i've got reece's number! woohoo! right, totally random. he's got bexta's number! woohoo! i've been promised a new years eve house party in sydney over looking darling harbour! its either that or mark's birthday party aka. new years eve party ala moulin rouge. hah. reece's or mark's? hah. haha. decision. decision.

im broke. mom said always to remind her, but when i do, she gets mad and says "you think money easy to earn ha?!" pffffts. pffffffffffffffffffffts. now i think id rather have the miri life, work at the cafe - do nothing - earn the money and PARTY! hah. without the old folks around of course!

i need a digi cam. still envy inghui's. and i regret NOT taking her scale with me. hah. we dont have one at home (adelaide). hah.

gay bar this friday! hah. wanna see how hot i am in their market. i probably rank low! hah.

im broke! if you see me mom, beg her to send money! hah.

dose me soon.

emo!

" to the land i teared for, i am home,

to the land i suffered for, i am home;

why my cry, a rivers flow,

why my pain, still blossom grow? "

- Josh.Nwn.

i left adelaide feeling this way, and i am back feeling the same. did i miss something or is it just my damn fucked up whirlwind of emotions?

i dreaded every moment i was in miri, to meet people you grow having a level of intimacy with just made the painful journey bittersweet. the greatest thing was not the fact i had fun with these people (i do!), but to slowly gain life's gem - knowledge.

i can't say the 4 months i was in miri a regret because it wasn't to exist, i may not be the person i am today.

how am i different now? self discovery is still on the go, but i FEEL different.

i have come to realise that people i get attached to always come to a departure, or me leaving.

adam, flew to The UK, after a year or so since we met. jill, moved to kuching after half a year or so we met.i came here (adelaide) after a year or so i met nicole. sabun and dodo, flew back to singapore after a year or so we met. i left after 4 months or so when i got close to tingang, ollie and inghui. and suddenly mark has had his life directed to sydney ...

can i blame life for having such a toll? or do i blame theirs?

to scream aloud "NOT FAIR!!", but when has life EVER been fair?

to cry out "WHY!?!", but when has life EVER answer?

i am also a helpless romantic. the couples lovey dovey thingy hasn't been gracious to me either.

do i ever complain? DO I? i keep it to myself. no need persisting it out in the open when to shut up is more fruitful. wait, now its out in the open! hah.

oh, dose me up!

take me home

a battle unceasing,

a war persisting;

rivers of blood,

echoes of wretchedness;

an endless yield.

how delicate a vigor,

how fragile a will,

how intoxicated a passion;

faith strives in endeavor,

hope prevails i n abidance.

take me home,

to genesis,

to eden's dusts;

the breath of wind's first,

the alpha,

the novelties.

memories tumultuos,

the approach of infinite lost;

to grasp so weak,

to seize so frail;

home, sine qua non.

[ a word of advice : if you dont get it, you DONT get it. quit trying. just be grateful you're literate enough to R.E.A.D. ]

its a party life [ part III ]

too busy partying.

too fucked to do anything.

too messed up to think.

too busy.

too tired to write.

too lazy to have this done.

too torpid to give a damn.

too kepotien NOT to post this up.

too little many pics.

too short of ticking time.

Miri's Envy : The Pimps & The Pornstars Party

^The last remaining Pimps + Pornstars

^The last remaining Pimps + Pornstars II

^The last remaining Pimps + Pornstars III [ boys ]

^The Kanids Pimps + Pornstars [ Arth (sitted) + Tingang (smokin) + Josh (tonguey) + Ollie (topless)

^whoring the mirror [ Arth + Tingang + Josh ]

^whoring the mirror again [ Ollie + Tingang + Josh ]

^my pussy and i

^The Kanids [ Tingang + Josh + Arth ]

^chun chicks aka. pornstars [ aint giving names away .. ]

and i quote, " you're still partying? "

still? who's stopping? can't stop me now can you? heh.

its a party life.

__________________________________________________________________________

read also :

its a party life [ part I ]

its a party life [ part II ]

i wanna be skinny!

" im not insecure! " - i quote myself.

*she gave me the middle finger.

" im not. im not insecure! " - again, i quote myself.

*she shoved two middle fingers up my face.

phoaaaaaaarrrrr.....

bitch! hah. i didnt need the affirmation, but she did say it in a way only the two of us understood.

" i wanna be skinny ". no. " i want to be skinny ". a quote i first puttered with, then it leeched on and became the atrocious whisperer in my already rugged mind.

my insecurity? doh! one of them.

i get my narcissism leveled up now and then with remarks like,

" you're already skinny! "
" which gym do you go to? "
" why are you thin? "
" you are skinny!".

but im not yet skinny. i dont do gym, just a "special" routine. 'why' is a question my mind cant generate an answer to. skinny? me? my inner will is powerless to proclaim such absolute. nonetheless, to have such remarks said, its impossible to not have your ego bursting in anthems. who in a sane mind wouldn't like being said nice things to?

just when you're comfortably high on narcissism boost, reality bites you hard with comebacks like,

" you have a big appetite!? "
" you've been eating alot today! "

damn. i proclaim it even harder, " I WANNA BE SKINNY!!! ". hell of a conviction i have to endure. wait. do i 'have' to? i havent got great patience to own such endurance.

but really, who must i listen to?

friends who keeps convincing me with sweet melodic words, but blurts piercing tajam! tajam! utterance in a moment's spur?

or

the ever intimidating weight scales with guaranteed preciseness, but parades inconsistent figures everytime i go on various scales?
(i still like what ing hui's scale tells me! hah.)

or

the constant debate between the illusive angelic being and the deceptive demonic presence, who then concludes promising echoes to linger in my head, everytime i look at my mirror reflections or photo images of myself?

i curse with indecisiveness. fuck.

wait.

am i that insecure?

hah. no. just hiatuses of thought. i love me.

.
.
.
.
.

i still wanna be skinny! i secretly, quietly, inse*&%c&#3u*&r%@e2ly do. hush. heh. pfffts!

teaser

you said you liked me. you liked my "style" and then you finished it with a touch of a wicked mysterious grin.

you kept me wondering ...

you said i turned you on. you listed the things you'd do to me and then you had me by saying out my biggest turn on.

you got my inside all giddy ...

you teased me with your naughty little words and then lured me into your imaginary filthy filthy little world of eroticism.

you made me whirled with sensation ...

i was on my way to yours, but you didn't answer.

WTF?!?!

you had me believed that you were for real, weren't you?

you complained i was always out with my friends. my late nights of world cup's ridicules. my constant outings with my favourite cousins. and left you with the stench of horniness.

k a n i n a l a n c i a o l u c h i b a i !

teaser!

you replied an hour later ...

" i wish you were here "

MA HAI!!!! ##@! *(&@ 29 )*&!)&4 &@!&@*&#^ %%#@# *&^%(@!!#!???@>@@? CHIBAI!

teaser!

fuckin teaser!

blah! i sound like a horny bastard. wait. i am! hah. pffffts.


and on a totally non related topic ... more pics! hah. cam-whoring at a familiar whereabouts.

monkee cousins : ting + arth + josh

his wildish ways. her heart. his lucky number.

monkee cousins : ting + josh + arth

in a state of trance

monkee flex

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

josh's random pose

.

vulgar me

"fading away from the clubbing scene." - i quote myself. bullshit. i still shine like an electrified psycho disco-ball, spreading love.

"my medical check up coming. its coming!" - i quote myself. bullshit. its "still" coming. im PETRIFIED! pfffts.

"shit! fuck! shit! chibai! chibai!" - i quote myself. im so full of such crude indecent language.

i am not supposed to have my internal poisoned. a saying i failed to endure. chibai!

i blame "my pussy" for dragging me along with her crazy plans. with my lack in the area of self-control, how am i to resist the taste of such devilish goodness?

my only respond? "chibai!"

i also blame that silent criminal for showing up with that huge evil smirk on his face. his lips sealed, but the writings on his facial expression is easily read.

my quick respond? "chibai! chibai!"

my words are vulgar, and irrelevant as responds. when it comes to making substantial decision, i get very indecisive, my words tangles with each other, and my responses always appear unintentionaly profane. but we always have an understanding.

her heart. his lucky number. my wildish ways. a combination equals to the quake of chaos. a circle of soul created to be destructors. a collection of mind sets, to make havoc, even evil fall under submission to such darkness.

they're not stopping. my excuse not to either.

chibai wei!

it always ends a happy never-ending. kepotien! kepotien!

chibai!

a little feast for the hungry eyes. indulge! my sinful journey to a happy never-ending.

> ollie + ing hui + josh : Ministry of Stoom [ mamoyo and the seventh monkee ]

> *kanids - meaning 'cousins' in kelabit. josh + arth : the "black sheeps" of the family

> the circle of 3, matched to destruct! [ ing hui + ollie + josh ]

> monkeefied! : ing hui + kenny + josh + arth + kynan

> candid! : a half of ing hui + kenny + ting + retarded josh + alang-alang renee + arth

a never-ending story.

mis milagros

my sky succumbs to the sudden dark clouds,
with evil lightnings igniting my earth's quake;
she poisons sound with her thunder's throb,
and blinding sight to the wrath of shadow's wake.

no miedo mi alma! my heart pounds.
perceptual stimulus trembles my soul.
aghast. terrified. overwhelmed.
but i am not yet shakened.
sea fuerte, my whisper.
sea fuerte! sea fuerte!
then i choked on my persistent whisper.

when all forfeited to stillness,
she bursts into drizzling tears.
a heaven's grace?
her sign of melancholiness?
i am asking for a thunder's answer.
i shall not.

with silence slowly approaching,
a sudden melody of sound swiftly crept in.

i wake to my existence.
shit! my mind curse quietly,
but comforted by the familiar faces i see.

a dancing, smiling, 'G.O.D'.
my soul, my little drum's drummer.
mi amigo. mi hermano. mi milagro.

i turned to the sight of 'The Devil',
his eyes lustly fixed on the mesmeric delights.
my keeper, the image of my alter ego.
mi amigo. mi hermano. mi milagro.

i rest in contentment despite my state of trance.
los tres amigos. the three amigos. so they say.
mis hermanos. my brothers. the proclamation.
mis milagros. my miracles. my heavenly givens.

-Josh.Nawan

perverted minds

she thinks her mind is corrupted because of her frequent sexual thoughts. deprive. her excuse!

less does she knows his’ is out of control.

with the absence of sex, masturbation arrays its troops of skills for her to utilize. hers ranges from dildos, rabbits, finger(s), long hard vegetables or fruits, shower heads and many other unimaginable ways her ‘wet’ thoughts takes her.

while his is just finger masturbation to her dirty thoughts. his’ ranges from 5 fingers for XL penises, 4 for L, 3 for M, 2 for S - XS, and a little-pinky-tap for the i-cum-at-touch penises.

dare she complain?!

her sexual mind is always on thinking-out-loud.

less does she realize his’ is on action mode.

with the presence of sexual thoughts, everything she hears becomes connotations of sex. everything she reads denotes sex.

for him, any tangible, visible objects suddenly becomes sexual. the things the tip of his finger touches sends his blood rushing to the head, making, thinking of the forms of sexual acts he can do. the sight of a female’s (any female) figure sends blood pumping to the already arousing penis.

she does not have to worry about a bulge in the crotch, he does! pervert she says mockingly when noticing him with one, but she gets to walk freely with a wet vagina. cibai!

perverted minds.

he always is, but she silently is.

perverts. aren't we all!

dear you

you said i was awfully quiet. i was.

... i found myself isolated in the serenity of overdosed narc numbness. my eyes were shut in blissful comfort. my skin, felt burnt , not of the sun but to the rising mercury my blood circulated. my throat, desert dry, optioned imaginary saliva in desperation for water. my ears, though deaf, found the pleasure of being so ...

but my little drum still beats to the sound of yours.

... to the wake of realism, i knew why i did what i did. thinking back, i wasn't so much of a consoler. i hadn't said much words that comforts. i hadn't got you the teddy-bear hug liked everyone had. i hadn't got my grotesquely long huge fingers wet, to wipe the art your tears drew on your cheeks. i hadn't ...

but my thoughts played the image of you.

... i realized then, there were options of roles i could play. i could be the bitch friend who would tell you how a substandard of a person he was. i could be the "wise" friend who would tell you why it happened with my rubbish philosophic knowledge. i could be the dumb friend who would try easing your emotional pain with endless supply of alcohol, but then got drunk before you did. i could ...

but i opted for just being me, the friend who, more than just believed in you, but to have faith in the choices you would make, although, had you ought to have the bitch, the "wise" or the dumb instead, it'd be somewhat a pleasure of mine.

" too much of consoling may drag emotional pain into eternal comfort to a point when, consoling became an insincere gesture act of sympathy and emotional pain, became an emphatic begger of solace. while, too much of my piece of mind may unintentionally affirm wrong answers and may confuse an already rugged mind. " - Josh Nawan.

just so you know, im already there for you, with you. regardless. period.

to you. and to whom who calls me friend.

*Josh + Ing Hui

genesis

it all began at,

[ www.xanga.com/munkeed ]

and now, the exodus continues here.